Medicare Options

As I recently wrote, I am now covered by Medicare.  Lou Wislocki of Wislocki Insurance did an excellent job of teaching me the ins and outs of the Medicare program.  I asked him if he would be willing to provide a summary for this blog of the main points of Medicare.  Here’s what he wrote.  Thanks, Lou, for your clear and helpful explanation of the program.

Lou Wislocki

Lou Wislocki

What is Medicare? It is a national insurance program for seniors and the disabled passed into law in 1965 during the presidency of Lyndon Johnson.  Harry S. Truman, our 33rd President, was the first citizen to receive his Medicare Card.  Medicare was passed into law as the result of health care crisis for seniors due to the rising costs of health care.

If you are 65 years old and you or your spouse have paid social security tax, you are eligible for Medicare.  Younger disabled persons, those with Lou Gehrig’s Disease and those with end stage renal disease are also eligible.  If you are 64 ½ years old you probably have already been barraged with information about Medicare.  All of the information sent by Medicare and private insurance companies can be very overwhelming and confusing.  Let’s make it simple.

Medicare is actually very straightforward.  All the time you spent earning a living and paying FICA tax for social security, you were also paying for your hospitalization coverage under Medicare, also titled Medicare Part A.   Part A covers inpatient hospital care and most of the services connected with a hospital stay.  It doesn’t cover out-patient services.  Because you have already paid for your Part A, you don’t have to pay the government anything for it. Even if you’re still under your employer’s Medical plan, you’re automatically enrolled in Part A.  Part A doesn’t cover your entire hospital stay.  There is a flat deductible – $1,184, good for 60 days.  If you happen to be hospitalized longer that, starting day 60 you will pay a whopping $296 per day, up to day 90.

Doctor office visits, outpatient services or surgeries in outpatient surgical centers or in the hospital is covered by Part B.  Part B is also straight forward—it’s an 80/20 cost share, Medicare pays the provider 80 % and you pay 20%.  What is the maximum out-of-pocket cost for the year?  There isn’t any.  Whatever your outpatient Medical cost may be for the year, you will pay 20% and an additional 15% to providers who do not subscribe to Medicare.  Unfortunately, Part B does cost.  If you earned under $85,000 for a single person or $170,000 for a couple, Part B will cost $104 per month (2013), withdrawn monthly from your social security check or, if you don’t yet collect social security, billed to you.

Because there is no out-of-pocket maximum with Medicare, private insurance companies offer Medicare supplements (Medigap plans) to cover part or all of the deductible in Part A and part or all of the cost-share left in Part B.  Medicare supplements are just that—true supplements for which you pay a separate premium.  Medicare pays first, then the supplement plan pays its share.   Plans offered are titled A, B, C, D, F, G, K, L, M, and N.  To find out what these plans will cover, go to Medicare.gov. and search Choosing a Medigap Policy.  Medigap plans do not use networks.  Any provider who accepts Medicare will accept the payment of the Medigap plan.  Medigap covers what Medicare covers.

With the Balanced Budget Act of 1997, Congress allowed private insurance companies of offer another kind of Medicare insurance—Medicare+Choice, or Part C.  With the Medicare Modernization Act of 2003, Rx coverage was added as an option and Medicare+Choice became Medicare Advantage.  Medicare Advantage is very different from Medigap.  Medicare Advantage is not a supplement; it replaces original Medicare coverage (Don’t worry, you’ll still be in the Medicare program).  When you enroll in a Part C plan you leave original Medicare and the Part C plan pays your providers.  Medicare pays the plan your Part B premium and costs for Part A coverage. Part C plans are managed care plans, which means you are limited to a network of care providers who agree to accept the networks terms and agreed payments for services.  Plans range from HMOs to PPOs and PFFS plans.  If you choose a Part C plan you need to make sure your doctor participates in the network; otherwise, you may have to pay the full cost or a steep deductible before the plan will pay.  Any provider you use—from diabetes test kit providers to doctors—should be in the network.  PSSF plans (private fee for service) are an exception, but providers agree to the terms of service on the spot, each occurrence.  Part C plans are strictly regulated by CMS (Center for Medicaid and Medicare Services) and are required to have an annual maximum out-of-pocket cost no greater than $6,700.  Some plans offer a $3,400 maximum out-pocket-cost.

Prescriptions drug coverage is often included in Part C plans.  As separate plans added to Medicare or a PFFS plan, Rx Plans are titled Part D.  So now there are four Medicare Parts to remember:

Part A – hospital coverage

Part B – doctor’s coverage and outpatient

Part C – Part A, Part B and often Part D combined in a managed care plan

Part D – Stand-alone Rx plan added to Medicare or many PFFS plans

Be careful not to confuse Part with plan.  Part always refers to one of the above; plan will always refer to a supplement to Part B or an HMO/PPO plan.  Exception—stand-alone Part D coverage is often referred to as a Part D plan.

So which way do you go?  You can stay with original Medicare and buy Part B coverage, medicare-symboladd a supplement plan to the Part B coverage (Medigap), or opt for Part C.  It really depends on you— what you need and what you can afford.  Choosing a Medigap plan may cost more and you may want to add a Part D (Rx) plan to it.  Your cost could range from $100 to $175 per month.  Part C plans often are less expensive – from $0 to $200, depending on where you live.  If you spend many months out of your home state you may want a Medigap plan because it does not depend on a network.  Part C plans will cover you for emergencies out of state even if the provider is out-of-network.  To understand more, go to Medicare.gov or consult a licensed health insurance agent in your state who is also authorized to offer Medicare plans.  Ask for an agent who can offer both Medigap and Part C plans so you can view understand your options.

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Why Do We Attend Reunions?

Why do we attend class reunions?  Why revisit a time in our lives when we weren’t at our best and maybe were at our worst?  Are the people with whom we went to school really so important to us that we really want to see them again?  Why do we bother?

The answers probably vary from person to person.  A Chicago Tribune article by Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz describes one woman in her thirties who went to a high school reunion to show her classmates she was not the superficial, money-hungry person she believes her classmates thought her to be.  She wanted to redeem herself by changing how she was viewed.  The article cites a study which found that those most likely to attend a reunion had been popular or recalled having had a good time in school.  The rest of us–those who were socially awkward, unhappy with ourselves, and unpopular—tend to stay away.

I was painfully shy throughout adolescence and was mostly ignored by my peers, but, when I learned that my junior high class was planning a 50-year reunion, I made immediate plans to attend.    We–the class of 1963 at West Side Christian School in Grand Rapids, Michigan–had for the most part been classmates not just during junior high but from kindergarten on.  We had been together for ten years, and I was curious about what had happened to them.

My 4th grade class.  Ten of us were at the reunion.

My 4th grade class. Ten of us were at the reunion.

As the Tribune article points out, 50-year reunions are big on nostalgia.  Unlike earlier reunions, “There’s a sense that this could be the last time you see these people.”  This reunion may have been the last time I have contact of any sort with them.  Younger cohorts have found each other on social media sites, but we who are past midlife are less likely to have made such connections.  I have accounts on both Facebook and LinkedIn, but have only one contact on them from my junior high and high school classes.  In contrast, my sons, who attended high school in the 90’s, follow most of their classmates on Facebook.

The reunion was Saturday, June 15.  Out of 77 graduates, 34 were in attendance.  As I wrote recently, I expected that my classmates would have changed dramatically in appearance.  Some had, but, on the other hand, several still looked very much like they did fifty years earlier.  Fortunately, we were given name tags, so, when confronted with someone who looked totally unfamiliar, I at least knew who I was supposed to be trying to recognize.  The experience was like one of those dreams in which someone looks totally different from your mental picture of them, but you still know who it is.  Other than one person I didn’t remember even when I looked at her junior high picture, I eventually could see in everyone traces of their former selves.

WSCS 9th Grade

I found that I had three distinct reactions as I mingled with my former classmates.  First, I compared myself to them.  Did I have more education?  Had I achieved more?  Had I had more varied and interesting experiences?  This wasn’t about them, it was about me, or, more specifically, about enhancing my view of myself.  I’m embarrassed that my initial response was so self-centered.  I am glad that this was just an internal process; as far as I can tell, I didn’t brag and didn’t feel a need to impress anyone besides myself.

My initial desire for self-enhancement faded as I noted the characteristics of our class.  I always knew that I hadn’t had much exposure to diversity when I was young, but our similarities are even more pronounced than I had realized.  All my classmates are white; almost all are the children of second- or third-generation Dutch immigrants; the great majority came from middle class homes; all but a few grew up in churches affiliated with a particular Protestant denomination.  Yet when I was growing up, this homogeneous group of people was my world, and I was as much or more aware of how we differed from each other as I was of how similar we were.  One’s identity is clarified through the lens of difference; when people similar to me were the only ones I knew, my identity was hazy, though I didn’t realize it at the time.

After first comparing myself to others and then recognizing how similar we all were, I started appreciating my classmates for who they now are.  I only knew the nascent life stories of these people; those stories had subsequently unfolded in remarkable ways.  I was particularly struck by a classmate who in school had seemed shallow and goofy, someone I hadn’t expected would do much with his life.  It turns out that after high school he worked for decades for a local furniture maker.  He retired and took a job driving a minibus for a local social service agency, transporting mentally impaired adults.  He enjoys forming relationships with the men and women who rode his bus, and has also become heavily involved in his church’s ministry to the developmentally disabled.  He is concerned about the welfare of those less fortunate and is firmly committed to helping them.  It doesn’t reflect very highly on me that, years earlier, I had thought so little of him.  An apparently random opportunity—one he now attributes to God—had given direction to his life and nurtured gifts that hadn’t been evident (at least to me) when he was in school.  I hadn’t just given him short shrift; I did the same to God.  His story was the most memorable, but the lives of other classmates also contained much that was striking.

Now that we’ve reconnected, will I try to stay in touch with those who were at the reunion? Probably just a handful of them.  Still, I’m glad I went.  These people helped shape who I am; they are important to me.  I’m thankful that I not only learned the details of their lives but also came to appreciate whom they have become.

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Older Adults Are Entering Psychotherapy in Larger Numbers

For years, the mental health community has viewed older adults as being unwilling to enter psychotherapy for emotional problems.  The thinking has been that greater receptivity would only occur when baby boomers entered older adulthood in large numbers.  However, a recent article by Abby Ellin in the New York Times reports that increasing numbers of adults older than the boomers are seeking therapy to deal with emotional issues.  The article quotes Dolores Gallagher-Thompson from the Stanford department of psychiatry as saying,  “We’ve been seeing more people in their 80s and older over the past five years, many who have never done therapy before.”  She offers the following explanation for this trend:  “They’re realizing that they’re living longer, and if you’ve got another 10 or 15 years, why be miserable if there’s something that can help you?”

Marvin Tolkin, whose therapy was described in the Times article.

Marvin Tolkin, whose therapy was described in the Times article.

As I wrote recently, psychotherapy is an effective treatment for depression in older adults.  There are a variety of other problems that can also be addressed by therapy.  Anxiety disorders—identified in 12% of adults 55 and older in one study–are quite responsive to treatment.  Many older adults have relationship issues, distress related to declining health, or unresolved feelings of grief.  Also, regrets, hurts, or resentments from years past can surface, disturbing the person’s equanimity.As Ellin notes, “That members of the Greatest Generation would feel comfortable talking to a therapist, or acknowledging psychological distress, is a significant change. Many grew up in an era when only ‘crazy’ people sought psychiatric help.  They would never admit to themselves — and certainly not others — that anything might be wrong.”  Many older adults are now realizing what most middle-aged and younger adults already know: admitting to problems isn’t a sign of craziness, and therapy is simply a way of solving problems that affect one’s quality of life.

Some older adults are hesitant to start therapy because they believe they can no longer change.  Change can occur at any age, though.   Someone who doesn’t expect to live many more years may not want to enter long-term therapy aimed at substantial revamping of the psyche.  Fortunately, there are other alternatives; many forms of therapy are short-term by design.  These therapies aim at addressing a few particularly troubling areas in relatively few sessions.   In my practice, I’ve found that many older adults come to therapy for help with just one or two specific issues that are bothering them.  Whether there are few or many problems, though, Gallagher-Thompson’s question is certainly pertinent: why, indeed, stay miserable when there is something that is likely to help?

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Interview: Pastoral Care for Older Adults

Because of their health problems and limited mobility, my parents haven’t been able to attend their church for several years.  I have been impressed by how effectively the church—LaGrave Avenue Christian Reformed Church, in Grand Rapids, Michigan—has provided pastoral care and included them in the life of the congregation.  At the heart of that effort is Rev. John Steigenga, Minister of Seniors.  Rev. Steigenga became co-pastor of LaGrave in 1978; he was Minister for Congregational Care for most of his time there.  Following his retirement in 2008, he took a part-time position with the church specifically to serve the needs of the older adults in the congregation.

I was intrigued by the intentionality and devotion with which LaGrave ministers to older adults.  I asked  Rev. Steigenga if he would be willing to answer a few questions about his interest in ministry to seniors, the spiritual needs of that group, and ways the church can best address those needs.  He graciously agreed.  Here are my questions to him, and his answers:   

What led you to take a position providing pastoral care for older adults?

Working with them over the course of ministry at LaGrave, I developed an appreciation for older adults: their seasoned faith and wisdom which are often the result of experience with life’s trials.  I also saw that the population of older adults in this church had grown to the point where they could not be adequately cared for by a generalist pastor.  Their needs would be neglected if they were folded in with 1500 members (1700 now).  Older adults are more apt to deal with health crises and death than are younger people; thus a ministry focused on them is necessary.  I presented this to the church 2 years before my retirement and suggested that a part-time position, Minister of Seniors, be created.  That was adopted and I was hired to fill that position after my retirement from full-time ministry.

What are some of the spiritual issues faced by older adults?  How are their spiritual issues different from those of younger adults?

Older adults face issues generated by aging bodies and an increasing awareness that death is relatively near.  They are regularly reminded of the reality of death because contemporaries are dying.    Grief is a regular part of their experience.  Belief/faith is challenged to move from endorsing principles to embracing the personal God.  For some, faith crises develop during this stage of life.  They wonder if what they professed all those years is real.  For others, there is a deepening of faith and true peace with the knowledge that death will come.  Unlike their younger counterparts, older adults ordinarily no longer deal with day-to-day pressures of working and raising a family.  For some, that brings more opportunities to serve as volunteers and to nurture their spiritual lives through Bible study and prayer.

Have you seen changes from generation to generation in the issues faced by older adults?

One change has been brought on by medical advancements that enable people to be kept alive long after they ordinarily would have died.  This faces us with choices we did not have to make earlier:  How much medical care is too much?  When is it OK to stop medical treatment?  Is it OK to pray to die?  Will we have enough money to support ourselves if we live into our 90’s?  Living longer also means that many older adults have to endure the grief of losing adult children.

What should churches do to best meet the needs of older adults?

What is basic is paying attention to them and affirming them as precious children of God regardless of age, stage of life, and mental and physical condition.  Because older adults tend to have more health challenges, there should be a ministry that is designed with this population in mind no less than ministry to children and young people   The population of older adults in American society and in church is increasing.  Neglect of that demographic is not only wrong but foolish.  Older adults not only have needs; they have much to offer the church.  We need to borrow a value from cultures that value older adults, a value that is also supported by the Bible.

What are the most rewarding aspects of ministry with older adults?

Dealing with people whose faith has been tested and found true.  Providing pastoral services at times of crisis.  Helping prepare people for death or helping plan and conducting funerals.

What are the most difficult aspects of ministry with older adults?

Some older adults have such debilitating illnesses that it is hard to know how to minister to them, particularly when the illness is a form of dementia.  It is also difficult to know how to minister to someone who wishes to die, is waiting to die, but doesn’t die.

What recommendations would you have for pastors or elders seeking to minister to older adults?

There are training opportunities.  The United Methodist church has a denominational office devoted to ministry with older adults.  Some seminaries offer classes and certificates in older adult ministry.  Churches should design strategies for maintaining contact with older adult members, such as our Deaconesses program.  It’s also valuable to keep the needs of older adults before the congregation with regular prayer requests.  Additionally, churches can find ways for inter-generational contact.  We ask church members to write Christmas cards to home-bound seniors, which is an excellent way to foster contact.  Finally, pastors can preach on biblical themes that include the value of older adults.

LaGrave Avenue Christian Reformed Church

LaGrave Avenue Christian Reformed Church

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Who Are Our Grandchildren?

Who are our grandchildren, these little people who barge into our lives and kick over the traces just as we’ve gotten settled, just as the pattern of our days has become staid and predictable?

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They are a blessing, of course.  No matter what we’ve done, no matter how much we’ve accomplished, we don’t deserve them.    Their arrival in the world is a manifestation of God’s grace—his undeserved favor to us.

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calvin with cracker

They are the future.  When we imagine what the world will be like 10, 20, 30 years from now, we may be poorly suited for that world, but they are likely to fit into it well.  They will be active in society’s playing fields long after we have retreated to the sidelines.  We already have glimpses of who they will be, how their personalities will blossom to fullness in the years to come.

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They give our lives meaning.  The struggles and accomplishments of early adulthood may no longer energize us, and, with Ecclesiastes, we may decide that all our work under the sun is vanity.  Nevertheless, we find new purpose in them.  We become eager to teach them life lessons, share with them family traditions, and tell them stories of the lives we’ve lived.  We hope that the words and stories we provision them with will sustain them in the years to come.

calvin, 3-17-06

calvin 4th birthday

They are us.  In looking at them, we can see ourselves.  Their faces and features reflect our own; their temperaments are like ours in their grain and consistency.  Sometimes that frightens us a bit, especially when we think of how poorly we’ve used that impetuousness or gregariousness or shyness or frivolity that they, too, share.  But these similarities also give us hope—hope that they will get it right, and that their doing so will console us.

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They are not us.  No matter the similarities, they are unique individuals, knitted to a pattern all their own then trimmed by circumstances peculiar to them.  They will flourish only if we and others appreciate them for who they are and don’t try to force them into a mold that, whatever its appeal, is poorly suited to them.

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All these features are true of our children as well as our grandchildren.  We are older and more reflective by the time our grandchildren arrive, though, so the significance of these characteristics resonates inside us with a deeper, richer tone.

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OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Ten years ago I met my first grandchild.  I drove to my son and daughter-in-law’s home three days after he had been born.  He was a few weeks premature, and was scrawny but fairly long.  When I arrived he was busy with the essential tasks of the first weeks of life—eating and sleeping, crying when discomforted.  What I remember most clearly was him lying on his back on the changing table, pumping his arms and legs.  As I stood alongside, he opened his eyes and saw me.  We made eye contact, and his arms and legs slowed almost to a stop, like windmills that lost the breeze.  He seemed as fascinated with me as I was with him.  “Welcome to the world,” I thought.  He had changed my world just by entering it.  As he has learned and grown, and as our relationship flourishes, he still changes it, as do his younger brother and sister.  Happy birthday, Calvin.  You are a most wonderful treasure.

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Caregiver Guilt: It’s Not All Bad

It is common for adults who provide care for family members to experience guilt.  I talked recently to Jeannie, a woman who assists with cooking, managing medications, and shopping for her octogenarian mother.  As she got ready to leave her mother’s apartment a few days ago, her mother said in a plaintive voice, “You don’t have to leave yet, do you?”  Jeannie did have to leave.  “I went,” she told me, “but I felt so guilty.”

Why do we feel guilty in such situations?  Luann Smith, who blogs at My Elder Care Consultant, LLC, defines guilt as “feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy.”   Such a definition separates guilt from any actual wrongdoing and characterizes it as maladaptive.  Smith adds that guilt can “really paralyze children of aging parents and lead you to make decisions based in fear and toxic emotions not healthy ones.”  This certainly can happen—I know one woman who, because she felt  guilty, neglected her own health problems to sit with her father day after day, even though he was cared for well in an assisted living facility. This woman did indeed have a strong sense of inadequacy, a factor that Smith includes in her definition.

Is guilt inherently maladaptive, though?  Dictionary.com defines guilt as a violation of standards; it’s “the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law.”  The emotional aspect of guilt is the second definition listed: “a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.”   Some caregivers for the elderly are actually guilty of misconduct, such as physical abuse or taking possessions without permission.   Feelings of guilt for such violations are not only acceptable but desirable.   We tend to think poorly of those who exploit elders without experiencing any guilt.

shame and guiltOf course many offenses are minor, or may not be offenses at all, or provoke guilt out of proportion to the degree of offense.  Is guilt still a useful emotion then?  I stay with my parents to help provide care for my 89-year-old dad, who has dementia.  A few weeks ago, he wasn’t sleeping well and woke me up several times.  The last time, when he called me to say his leg muscles were sore, I showed no sympathy for his aches and told him gruffly to stop calling me.  I felt a little guilty afterwards, and put more effort into being patient with him the next night.  I think my low-level guilt was appropriate to my low-level offense.  Rather than causing poor decision-making, guilt actually helped me respond more in line with how I wanted to.

Excessive or unwarranted guilt can be a problem; I’ll write later about why caregivers may be prone to such guilt and what to do about it.  I’ll end this post by noting that there is research to support the connection between experiencing guilt and acting morally.  In their book Shame and Guilt, June Price Tangney and Ronda L. Dearing report that fifth graders who were more guilt-prone than their peers were less likely as adolescents to violate societal rules and use drugs, but were more likely to apply to college and become involved in community service.  Exactly the opposite pattern was found with children who had high levels of shame.  It seems that shame, not guilt, is the moral emotion most associated with poor choices and undesirable behavior.

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Getting Medicare: The Boring Details

I am covered by Medicare insurance as of today.   Last year, I quit my full-time position as a faculty member at Methodist University, and thereby lost my health insurance.  I could have continued with the Methodist U. plan using COBRA, (The Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act of 1985), a law which allows qualifying employees who lose employer-sponsored insurance to continue their insurance coverage for up to 18 months (more in case of disability, divorce, or widowhood).  COBRA is an especially appealing option for people who are uninsurable on the open market.  The downside is that it is often expensive to purchase the coverage.  For those who have lost much or all of their income at the same time that they lost employer-sponsored insurance, the cost can be prohibitive.

For me, the COBRA policy would have cost about $500 a month.  I had nine months between the lapse of employer coverage and eligibility for Medicare.  I could pay the $4500, go without insurance entirely, or try to purchase a less expensive policy for myself.  I wasn’t willing to forgo insurance, but thought that a low-cost, high-deductible policy might be a good alternative.  I contacted an agent and got some quotes.  For $154 a month, I could get a policy with a $7,500 deductible, a 20% copay, and a cap on out of pocket expenses.  I thought that if I scheduled doctors’ appointments before my employer’s policy lapsed, I might be able to almost entirely avoid medical expenses for the nine months.  I was taking two medications, but one was available as a generic and the other was Niaspan, a prescription version of Niacin, readily available over-the-counter.  The low-cost policy might save me $3,000 compared to the COBRA policy.  On the other hand, if I developed a serious medical condition, I would be paying several thousand more.  My health seemed good, so I decided to take the chance.

About the time my Methodist U. policy lapsed, my doctor informed me that my PSA screening test result was out of the normal range.  He instructed me to have it tested again in 6 months.  I was concerned; what if the PSA level shot up and I couldn’t wait until I had Medicare before having my prostate treated?  The level only increased slightly when I was retested, though, and my doctor plans to just monitor the problem.  I haven’t had any other medical expenses, so the risk I took by getting less expensive, less complete coverage worked in my favor.

medicare-symbolA couple months ago I contacted my insurance agent again to start preparing for Medicare.  He explained the options: Traditional Medicare Parts A, B, and D alone, a Medicare Advantage Plan, or traditional Medicare plus a supplement.  Because I travel back and forth between two states, an Advantage Plan didn’t seem best for me, so I’ve opted for traditional Medicare plus Supplement Plan N.  My agent, Lou Wislocki, has helped immensely in explaining the pros and cons of each alternative.

The only piece I haven’t taken care of yet is signing up for Part D, the prescription drug plan.  Jane Gross documented on the New Old Age Blog her travails in trying to figure out the best Part D policy for her.  She wasted days in the process, and wasted even more time trying to understand her benefits once she selected an insurer.  She reports that only 5.2 percent of Plan D participants chose the coverage that would be most economical for them.  Sigh.  Since I really only have to be concerned about one medication at this point, Lou suggests I go with the cheapest plan which has that drug in its formulary.  My condolences to those of you on multiple medications who are trying to determine the best Part D coverage.

In America, Medicare eligibility is a marker of the transition from middle adulthood to older adulthood.  Now is as good a time as any to say that I’ve crossed that threshold.  Or I would regard my 65th birthday as the line of demarkation.  In that case, I won’t be an older adult until tomorrow.

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Does It Matter If You Look Old?

Our appearance changes as we age (just not much if you’re Dolly Parton).  Most of us past midlife know we look different, but haven’t entirely made our peace with our changing looks.  Some wrinkles are OK, a little graying, but we still would like to look younger than the average person our age.  We know that about each other, so, when asked to guess a mid-to-older adult’s age, we are likely to play it safe and deliberately underestimate.

Of course, not everyone is complicit in this game of ego-protection.  I recently read  As Long as I Live: Thoughts on Growing Older, a sometimes funny, sometimes profound reflection on aging by Jake Eppinga, now deceased but retired from ministry when he wrote the book.  He tells of a pastoral visit to a rest home.   While there, he recognized that the roommate of his parishioner was someone he knew forty years earlier.  The man was lying with his eyes closed, and Eppinga was struck by how much he had aged.  “His hair and teeth were gone; his cheeks were sunken, and his skin was sallow. . . .  Seldom had I seen one upon whom the aging process had left such a devastating stamp.”   At that point, the man’s eyes opened, and, as Eppinga tells it, “Lifting his head weakly from the pillow, he mentioned my name.  Searching my face, he said, “Boy, did you get old!’”

I thought of this incident recently as I reflected on a few things that will happen next month.  I will turn 65 on June 2, and will go to a 50-year reunion for my junior high class on June 15.  I’m sure that at the reunion I’ll be thinking, “Boy, did they get old!”  They, of course, will think the same of me.  Do I look my age?  Probably.  I know some people older than me who look younger, and some younger folks who look older.   I don’t think that how old I look matters much to me; when I look in the mirror I ask myself “Is my hair combed?” not “Do I look old?”  I probably will think of appearance some at the reunion though, and not just about combed or uncombed hair.  Getting together with a bunch of people who started life’s journey the same place and time as I did seems to evoke all sorts of comparisons.  Given our propensity to make such comparisons, it would be nice if we compared ourselves not as to appearance but as to how we grew in wisdom, generosity, or kindness.  We can’t see each other’s wisdom, generosity, or kindness, though.  On the 15th I’ll be interested not only in my classmates, but also in my reactions to them.

My Granddaughter Doesn't Mind My Wrinkles!

My Granddaughter Doesn’t Mind My Wrinkles!

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Becoming Curmudgeonly: Progress Report

The Merrian-Webster Online Dictionary defines “curmudgeon” as “a crusty, ill-tempered, and usually old man.”  A particular passion among curmudgeons is to talk about the sorry state of the world today.  Things are not as good as they used to be, whether in the realm of politics (“Where are leaders like Reagan?”), manners (“What happened to respect for your elders?”), morals (“People didn’t use to be just out for themselves like now.”), popular culture (“There aren’t any singers like Frank Sinatra anymore”) or relationships (“Marriage vows mean nothing nowadays”).  There never was a golden age, of course.  Things are probably worse now in some ways, but better in others—there has been real progress in medicine, race relations, and gender equality, for example.

Are we all destined to become curmudgeonly in old age?  Will we all eventually think everything used to be better than it is now?  If we live long enough, we certainly will remember a time when life was better for us in particular.  Of course, the deterioration of our personal circumstances is not the same thing as the deterioration of society as a whole.

We remain a part of the larger culture as we age, yet our relationship to it changes.  In a comment on the New Yorker website a few months ago, George Packer wrote that “American culture belongs to the young, and, for that reason, it isn’t really mine any more. . . . Yet, I still live in the culture, experience it, react to it.”  He is hesitant to write anything about contemporary music or literature because he fears the obvious retort—that he’s too old to get it.  He points out ways in which we who are older actually may not get it:

“You’re never more open to new experience than when you’re twenty. After that, the need to make money, the fear of having no work, the demands of children, the sense that the world is moving in strange new directions, the appearance of unfamiliar forms of expression that inevitably seem less wonderful than the ones that changed your life when you were twenty cause the aperture to slowly narrow.”

Nino_Tempo_and_April_Stevens-Deep_PurpleI have XM radio in my car, and listen to popular music from the 40s until now.  I find things to appreciate in every decade, but, as Packer would suggest, the music from the 60’s, when I was a teenager, seems particularly wonderful.  I love “Deep Purple,” “Rhythm of the Rain,” “Dancing in the Street,” and “Pretty Woman.”   Even songs I didn’t think much of at the time sound pretty good to me now.  That is an emotional response, not a critical one; I know this isn’t great music, just music with positive associations for me.

Packer admits to the biases that come with age, but adds, “Some judgments need time and a basis for comparison. Age can make things clearer.”  Things become clearer not as a result of experience alone but as a result of the gradual construction and articulation of a perspective on the world, a viewpoint from which to observe cultural goings-on.  I’m heavily influenced by Reformed Christianity, which emphasizes transformational engagement with the culture in which one lives, and that background has made me curious about how culture reshapes the basic human needs—for achievement, belonging, respect, and meaning—into a multitude of forms.   Rather than becoming narrower and more intolerant through the years, I think I’ve become more appreciative of this cultural menagerie.  In regard to popular music, I have to admit that I like Pink, Mumford and Sons, and Bruno Mars.  I think the Lumineers “Ho Hey” is maybe the catchiest song ever.  I don’t seem to be making much progress towards becoming a curmudgeon. . . .

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Could You Be Happy With ALS?

Nancy Perry Graham of AARP wrote a few months ago about sustaining happiness in middle and late adulthood.  She asked three middle-aged or elderly friends who were clearly happy with life what each though was responsible for their positive mood.  As she notes, a charmed life is not necessary for such well-being, since one of the three had been diagnosed in the past year with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), also called Lou Gehrig’s disease.  I was particularly interested in that person’s story.  He is John Curran, age 59, a news director for Bloomberg, and remained happy even after receiving the diagnosis.  He told Graham that, in the 7 months since being diagnosed, he has been sustained by a loving family, a supportive church, faith in the afterlife, and good health insurance.  He added the following:

“At its core, my happiness rests on a spiritual life, a sense of purpose and — oh, yes — a sense of humor. In this life, where beauty fades, wealth wreaks more havoc than happiness and death awaits us all, if you can’t laugh about the journey’s ups and downs, you’ll fret. And who wants to worry?”

It is wonderful that Mr. Curran has both ample support in this life and faith for the next.  I’m impressed by his equanimity.   He may not be far along in the progression of the disease, though; how might he be affected when he becomes unable to dress and feed himself?  Do even persons of deep faith become despondent at that point?

Ed Dobson.  Photo: Mlive

Ed Dobson. Photo: Mlive

I found information pertinent to that question by reading about another person of faith who has ALS, namely Ed Dobson, former pastor of Calvary Church in Grand Rapids, Michigan (which is the church that my brother attends).  Dobson was diagnosed with ALS a dozen years ago, and he is now quite disabled by it.  As reported by Charley Horney in The Grand Rapids Press, Dobson admits that “waiting on the Lord can be a challenge.”  He adds, though, “But this one thing I know: God has brought me this far. . . The God who brought me this far will deal with today and tomorrow. So I can rest in his coming into my life to rearrange my furniture.”

Besides maintaining a strong faith, Dobson is comforted by positive consequences of his suffering.  In a brief 2012 article in Christianity Today, Dobson wrote: “I would exchange all the life lessons and opportunities to be healthy again.”  Nonetheless, he believes that “my ALS has been used by God to accomplish wonderful things for the kingdom, where even the worst suffering opened the doors to a new heavens and earth.”  Maybe he isn’t as happy as he might have been without ALS, but he believes strongly that God has used the disease to advance the heavenly kingdom.  Dobson sees his life as having a purpose, and if anything ALS has heightened, not detracted from, his sense of purpose.

Would my faith withstand receiving a serious medical diagnosis?  Would I have anything like the serenity that Curran and Dobson both seem to have?  It hasn’t happened to me, so I don’t know.  It’s nice to realize that even the worst medical prognosis doesn’t have to lead to misery and despair, though.   Curran and Dobson serve as reminders of how essential faith and family are when going through the valley of the shadow of death.

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