The Older I Get, The More Versions Of Me There Are

Rachel McAlpine, who blogs at Write Into Life, recently posted about the challenge of adjusting her identity as she ages. She writes,

“I’ve been searching for an inherent personal coherence, consonance, or harmony. But this is not straightforward, because right now life is rapidly changing my outside. Grey hair, wrinkles and all that cranky stuff that shrieks ‘Old lady! Old lady!’”

We typically achieve some sense of identity in adolescence, but we continue to work on the project of constructing an identity throughout life. New experiences–completing school, starting a career, choosing a life partner–impact our sense of who we are, so we are constantly tweaking the identity we built, twisting knobs as if we were an old-time radio that needs constant adjustment to get a clear signal. We just get the station tuned in, then something else happens and we start the process all over again. As Rachel mentions, the grey hair and wrinkles that show up when we look in the mirror are among the things that call for identity recalibration. Another is retirement. Still another is some body part or system suddenly balking rather than proceeding through its paces as we’re accustomed to it doing. So our previous self description–“youthful-looking,” “worker,” “healthy”–no longer fits, and we have to figure out again who we are.

It’s me looking in the mirror, but there’s an old guy looking out.

It’s common for people past midlife to have trouble reconciling their advancing chronological age or their timeworn appearance with an inner feeling that they ae still youthful. Rachel is no exception to this:

“Like you (I presume) I have moments of feeling like a 6- or 26- or 36- or 56-year-old, which are all a big mis-match with my chronological age.”

I’ve had the same disparity. Reflecting on her post, I realized that this discrepancy between my subjective sense of my age and my objective chronological age isn’t always present, but comes and goes. Sometimes I feel much younger than my age–like a teenager or even a child, for instance. Other times I feel every bit the 69-year-old I am.

Thinking about this fluctuation further, it seems to me that what has happened is not that I discarded previous identities when I adjusted to new realities in my life, but instead that I shuffled them further down in the deck. They are still there, ready to be dealt again as circumstances warrant. Thus, when I went to my high school reunion last year, the card that I played was my adolescent self. When I build Legos with my grandkids or have an ice cream cone on a hot summer day, the child in me comes out. When I read a reference book or scholarly article, I’m a college student again, thirsty for knowledge. The young adult wanting to make a mark on the world is still there, as is the thirty-something who was confident in his abilities and the middle-aged man who lost his way for a few years.

Somehow, all these different versions of me dovetail together. Confusing as it can sometimes be, on the whole it has been an improvement to have my community of selves grow larger and larger. I wouldn’t want to be just the limited self I was as an adolescent, proud as I was back then in the identity I had built.

So don’t be concerned when you don’t feel your age or lament when your old identity no longer fits who you are becoming. Instead, appreciate the opportunity to add another self to your collection. Welcome the new you to the family!

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“Touch Me”

Image from

There’s an interesting incident near the end of David Foster Wallace’s magnum opus Infinite Jest that says a lot about how humans treat each other. It’s the story of Barry Loach, the head trainer at Enfield Tennis Academy. Earlier, Barry’s older brother had felt called to be a priest and was studying at a Jesuit seminary. However, near the end of his studies the brother “suffered at age twenty-five a sudden and dire spiritual decline in which his basic faith in the innate indwelling goodness of men like spontaneously combusted and disappeared.” He stopped going to classes and sat all day in his room.

Barry tried to talk his brother out of his malaise, which stemmed from the ingratitude of the homeless and drug addicted people he had served during his practicum in downtown Boston and from the lack of compassion for the homeless on the part of the general population. Finally, the despondent seminary student challenged Barry “to not shower or change clothes for a while and make himself look homeless and disreputable and louse-ridden and clearly in need of basic human charity, and to stand out in front of the Park Street T-station on the edge of the Boston Common…and for Barry Loach to hold out his unclean hand and instead of stemming change simply ask passersby to touch him.”

Barry accepts the challenge and soon is standing with the panhandlers, asking passerby, “Touch me, just touch me, please.” Day after day, no one is willing to make skin-to-skin contact, though they do toss money his way. In fact, asking for human contact proves fairly lucrative, though those who drop change in his hand do so with “spastic delicacy…and they rarely broke stride or even made eye-contact as they tossed alms B.L.’s way, much less ever getting their hand anywhere close to contact with B.L.’s disreputable hand.”

I won’t describe what eventually rescues Barry from this challenge gone awry. I’d like to reflect on it a bit, though; it seems to be a parable for our times. It’s not that disgust is unique to modern societies–at least some researchers regard it as one of the basic human emotions and have explored both its neural foundations and adaptive significance (see for example the Wikipedia article on the topic). Barry deliberately made himself repulsive, so it’s not surprising that people shied away. What made this a story of modern times is that the situation could continue week after week, month after month, with no one offering anything more than monetary assistance.

In most traditional societies, the community would have some way to identify the problem troubling the person (whether it is called illness, demon possession, witchcraft, or whatever) and some strategy to offer an appropriate remedy. Though such mechanisms are present in modern societies, we’ve become so isolated from each other, so preoccupied with our own concerns, and so respectful of individual choice that it’s become easy for hundreds of people a day to walk past a troubled person with no one offering more than pocket change by way of assistance.

What can change this? I’d like to suggest that we older adults can be the ones to start turning things around. Most of us have more time on our hands than average, and I’d like to believe that we are also more observant than most about what is happening around us and more concerned about the welfare of others. Most of us are probably aware of somebody–maybe many somebodies–who are like Barry, just wanting to be noticed and treated like they are of worth. What would it be like if we made eye contact with someone like that when we had an opportunity? What if we smiled at them or greeted them or stopped and chatted with them?  I’m not suggesting that anybody risks personal safety to do so. In my experience, though, the worst that happens when I do this is that I become a little uncomfortable, am asked for money, or I spend more time with the person than I anticipated doing. What’s so bad about any of those?

We older adults have the opportunity to affirm the humanity and dignity of those who have been treated as worthless for so long that many of them have started to believe it. Let’s make a difference to the least and lost in the communities where we live. Let’s treat all God’s children as precious.

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“You Don’t Really Start Getting Old Until You Stop Learning”

In the June 5 issue of Time magazine, Bill Gates was interviewed about the books that have influenced him. I was struck by one of his comments: “You don’t really start getting old until you stop learning.”

Is that true? Do we stay young in mind and spirit, though not in body, as long as we continue to learn new things? I agreed with the quote at first, but, as I thought more, it seemed to me that the statement could be accurate or not, depending on how the term “old” is used.

Merriam-Webster lists several uses of the world ‘old’. Gates probably isn’t using it to refer to being “advanced in years or age” but instead in the sense of “showing the characteristics of age.” Some of the characteristics commonly associated with age are negative, such as inflexibility, cantankerousness, and tediousness. Having stopped learning probably does contribute to becoming old in this sense. Curmudgeons not only are disinterested in learning the latest ideas and practices, but actively erect defenses against anything new, believing instead that the old ways were always better. This type of old person prefers reruns of the Andy Griffith Show or Happy Days (which were nostalgic even when they were new) to more recent shows; oldies music to contemporary songs; Turner Classic Movies to the latest Oscar nominees. Before they know anything about what’s new, they know they don’t like it. Their insulation from new knowledge–from learning–is also insulation from ever having their assumptions challenged. They are in a time capsule, a bubble insulating them from the world around them.

But obstinacy and close-mindedness are not the only characteristics associated with advancing age. Many people become wiser as they age, humbler and less certain they have all the answers. Recently I talked to a woman in her early 70s who said, “The older I get, the more I realize how little I know. Much of the things I used to be sure about I am not so sure about anymore.”  She has become less dogmatic as she aged, more open to possibilities and more curious about views that differ from hers. She says, “I used to always have something to say. Now I’m more willing to listen, or just to sit in silence.”

Her perspective is definitely something she acquired as she aged–it’s rare to hear such thoughts expressed by the young. Her way of being old doesn’t result from having stopped learning. If anything, the opposite is true: the more she learned, the more she saw the complexities of life and the more dissatisfied she became with facile or one-sided answers. Here’s an interesting thought: perhaps her way of being old is not only consistent with continuing to learn new things, but actually requires lifelong learning in order to develop. The paradox of learning over a lifetime is that, past a certain point, the more one learns the more one is aware of how much more there is to know and the less one speaks in absolutes or with certitude.

So, perhaps Bill Gates’ assertion that growing old is the result of no longer learning is true or not, depending on what sort of growing old he’s talking about. If we stop learning, we are likely to show such negative features of aging as inflexibility and intolerance. However, there’s another way of growing old–characterized by increased curiosity, openness, appreciation, and wisdom–and those who stop learning will never age in this manner.  

It seems I learn something new almost every day. For example, recently I learned the difference between the yoga poses cobra and upward facing dog, and that older coffee drinkers are less likely to progress from mild cognitive impairment to full-blown dementia. Some of what I learn is trivial, some profound. By itself, continuing to learn doesn’t guarantee wisdom or maturity. That’s not why I keep learning things, though. I learn because the world around me and the people in it are fascinating and I’m enriched by knowing about them. If I receive additional benefits, that’s a nice bonus!

Cobra and Upward Facing Dog. Image From

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The Effects of Childhood Trauma


A 2016 article by Emily Guron, Health and Caregiving Editor for Next Avenue, described the longstanding effects of childhood trauma. As Gurnon summarized, these effects range from physical problems to emotional problems, substance abuse, and risky behaviors:

“Research has shown that childhood trauma, ranging from parents’ divorce to alcoholism in the home, increases the odds of heart disease, stroke, depression, suicide, diabetes, lung diseases, alcoholism and liver disease later in life. It also increases risky health behaviors like smoking and having a large number of sexual partners. And it contributes to ‘low life potential,’ according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control.”

Many adults who are survivors of childhood trauma have never told anyone. Gurnon discussed this phenomenon with Michael Barnes, a program manager at an addictions treatment center in Colorado. Barnes indicates that those over 50 are less likely to tell others about their experience of trauma than are younger adults. Men are less likely than women to tell others. Gender roles seem to have something to do with men’s reluctance to convey such information, in that men are more likely to think they should be stoic about their suffering and able to get over the effects of past trauma on their own.

In my years working as a clinical psychologist, I didn’t specialize in providing therapy for those who had childhood trauma, so clients didn’t seek me out specifically for help with that problem. Nevertheless, over the years I had hundreds of clients tell me of some form of trauma they had sustained during childhood. Physical abuse was common, as was parental alcoholism, substance abuse, or erratic behavior. Sexual molestation also occurred frequently, with the perpetrator usually being someone the child knew, often someone within the family. I would estimate that at least a third of the time the person had never talked to anyone previously about what had happened.  Usually this wasn’t a result of forgetting or not thinking about the trauma; often, the person thought about it every day, but couldn’t overcome the discomfort, shame, or fear of blame associated with letting someone else know.

For the most part, telling someone about a past trauma is helpful. I say “for the most part” because sometimes the person becomes too absorbed in the telling and is re-traumatized, or is so detached from the memory that talking about it has no more significance to them than does telling what he or she had for breakfast. Talking about the memory is most helpful if the person can experience the emotions associated with it–fear, hurt, shame, sadness, anger, and a variety of others–but at the same time stay in contact with the present rather than being swallowed up by the past. Therapists who are knowledgeable about working with trauma sufferers can help the trauma survivor maintain this balance. Therapists can also help with the development of skills for dealing with the effects of the trauma and can help the person make sense of what happened to them.

So, for those who have kept memories of childhood trauma hidden away for many decades, I encourage you to tell someone. If the effects of the trauma remain strong, consider psychotherapy. Childhood trauma has profound effects, but, for those who seek help, there is hope for recovery!

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Finding Immortality

How long do you want to live? It’s not that we can determine how many years we will be on this earth, not exactly. We do have something to do with it, though. Most obviously, we can take care of ourselves–eat healthy foods, exercise, not smoke or drive too fast or drink too much.

As medical science learns more and more about longevity, it’s starting to look as if more can be done to extend our span of healthy years. Some researchers even think our lives can be extended indefinitely. A recent article by staff writer Tad Friend in the New Yorker distinguishes between longevity scientists who are “healthspanners” and those who are “immortalists.” The former group, who constitute the majority, aim to provide us with longer lives in which we will remain healthy until the last year or two. The latter group hope to reverse aging itself, so that anyone able to afford whatever treatments are developed could live indefinitely. Friend describes a recent symposium on longevity held in Norman Lear’s living room and attended by scientists, Hollywood stars, and wealthy investors. One of the speakers, Martine Rothblatt (founder of the biotech firm United Therapeutics) promised, “Clearly, it is possible, though technology, to make death optional.”

Even in that gathering there were scientists who disagreed. They are among the healthspanners, and they don’t expect a holy grail–some incredible discovery that will put an end to aging. They are looking to do more of what’s been done over the past hundred years or so, a period in which the average life span has increased by thirty years. Eric Verdin, CEO of the Buck Institute for Aging, told Friend that recently the median life expectancy for people living in developed nations has been increasing at a rate of about two and a half years a decade. He added, “If we can keep that pace up for the next two hundred years, and increase our life spans by forty years, that would be incredible.” That would give our great-great-great-great grandchildren life expectancies of about a hundred and twenty years. If they are vigorous and healthy during those years, that would amount to quite an accomplishment. Living 120 years isn’t anything near to living forever, though.

Friend nicely summarizes the biological process of aging and what has come of past claims that that process can be arrested:

“For us, aging is the creeping and then catastrophic dysfunction of everything, all at once. Our mitochondria sputter, our endocrine system sags, our DNA snaps. Our sight and hearing and strength diminish, our arteries clog, our brains fog, and we falter, seize, and fail. Every research breakthrough, every announcement of a master key that we can turn to reverse all that, has been followed by setbacks and confusion.”

Will the master key to aging eventually be found? Some very wealthy people are putting significant resources into the search. The story of Adam and Eve in the book of Genesis tells of “the tree of life” found in the center of the garden of Eden. Once Adam and Eve have sinned by eating of the tree of good and evil, God decides not to let them “take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever.” (Gen. 3:22). In order to keep them away from that tree, he expels them from the garden.

Throughout the ages, humans have dreamed about putting an end to aging, but had no viable way to do this. Now the immortalists hope that modern science will allow them to break back into the garden and eat from the tree of life. We’ll see how that goes. The Bible offers another route to immortality, namely by way of death and resurrection. The Apostle Paul explains that “Christ has been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep.” (I Cor. 15:20) As a result, everyone will return to life: “For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed.” (v. 52) Some may put their hope in scientific discovery; I’m counting instead on the promised Day of the Lord.

Fountain of Eternal Life, Cleveland, Ohio. By Daderot [CC0 or CC0], via Wikimedia Commons

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Healthcare Decisions for Our Parents and Us

In a recent New York Times article, Dr. Mikkael A. Sekeres, a cancer specialist. told of his first meeting with a 97 year-old patient. The elderly man had recently moved into an assisted living facility in Cleveland in order to be near his son and daughter-in-law, who had come with him to the appointment.  He was being seen for abnormal blood counts requiring periodic transfusions. As of yet his condition hadn’t been diagnosed.

“I don’t know if I’m looking forward to being 98,” the man confided. When Dr. Sekeres asked him to explain, he said, “I don’t want to end up . . . you know, blotto,” simultaneously leaning to the side and opening his mouth to imitate advanced senescence. Dr. Sekeres suspected that the man’s blood abnormalities were the result of a cancer that kept the bone marrow from producing enough healthy blood cells. The diagnosis could be confirmed by a bone marrow biopsy.

Did it make sense to do the procedure, though? The condition didn’t seem to be worsening, and treatment wouldn’t cure it. Plus, the man’s fear of becoming “blotto” didn’t stem just from his illness. He thought he might end up worse off “Because of my medical condition, or whatever you’re going to recommend I treat it with.”  Medical interventions don’t always make things better. As the saying goes, “sometimes the cure is worse than the disease.” The older and more decrepit we get, the more this is likely to be the case.

Dr. Sekeres brought up the biopsy, but the man immediately rejected the idea. Dr. Sekeres indicated that it didn’t have to be done; the procedure would be painful and wouldn’t offer the man any foreseeable benefit. Hearing his father’s comment and the doctor’s reply, the man’s son quickly assented. Too often, children question their elderly parents’ decisions, often to the point of treating the parent like a child who isn’t capable of making choices. Certainly there are situations where the parent isn’t capable or hasn’t thought through the implications of a decision. However, Sederes’ patient clearly had his wits about him and had thought about what sort of medical care he wanted. Fortunately, the son knew his father well enough to take his dissent seriously.

During the past few years I’ve been in the son’s position; I’ve taken my mom to doctor’s appointments during which treatment options were discussed. Most recently, it was an appointment at a gastroenterology clinic to review her difficulties with swallowing. She has had a variety of treatments in the past, resulting in no more than slight, temporary improvement. She has to puree her food and even then isn’t getting enough calories to maintain her weight. During the appointment, the physician’s assistant reviewed treatment options, recommending against some but leaving others as possibilities. None is likely to make a significant difference. A feeding tube will probably be necessary at some point, but there are no clear indicators as to when it would be best to take that step. When the PA paused, mom turned to me and asked, “What do you think I should do?”

I could have told her what I thought was best, but, if I did and she deferred to me, it would be my decision, not hers. Since she would have to live with whatever was decided, it was important for her to think about her preferences. So rather than offering a firm opinion, I mostly just highlighted what I thought were the most important points the PA had made. I mentioned the risks of having her throat muscles stretched again. The PA had said she might have an infection in her throat that was adding to her difficulties; it would be possible to treat any possible infection without further testing. This might or might not help, but had little downside, so mom agreed to take an antibiotic for this purpose. We discussed the pros and cons of a feeding tube. Having one would be especially advisable if mom lost more weight; the PA suggested 120 pounds as the weight below which a feeding tube would definitely be needed. Mom agreed. The plan came together a little at a time. Mom didn’t want to make the decision by herself, but she did want a say in the decision, and that’s what happened.

I realize that not all elderly patients have either a logical, well-thought out position from which to make health care decisions (like Dr. Sedekes’ patient) or the ability to collaborate with family members and health care professionals to make such decisions (like my mom). Yet an awfully lot do, if given the chance. It certainly works best if sons, daughters, and other family members provide that chance rather than diminishing the elderly patient by hijacking the discussion of options. Many children don’t even know what quality of life the parent is (and is not) willing to sacrifice in order to increase longevity. Those of us with elderly parents need to listen and avoid making assumptions; parents whose adult children are helping them get health care need to communicate their wishes as clearly as they can. Everyone facing medical problems during the last few decades of life should be heard and have their wishes treated with respect and caring.


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Relocating to a Retirement Community: A New Life

I wrote recently about the first part of Richard L. Morgan’s book Settling In: My First Year in a Retirement Community. Morgan was initially enthusiastic about moving to a retirement community near his daughter, but after a month or so doubts crept in. He wrote, “The initial euphoria had worn off, and I felt suspended in a limbo between a life I loved and a life yet to come.”

I had a similar experience of having lost my old life and yearning for a new life when I moved back to my hometown in 2012 to help my parents. A move such as Morgan’s or mine is just one of many events common to older adulthood that can take us away from the life we’ve been living without supplying a new one. Retirement can have this effect, as can losing one’s mate or deteriorating health. It’s instructive to look at how Morgan responded to being in limbo.

Morgan indicates that the first step in finding his new life was a process of discernment. He explains:

“Discernment is another part of detachment. We consider our life from a critical distance and then take the next step.” (p. 91)

Morgan describes his process of discernment as taking place “through endless walks around the community and long night struggles.” What came of this?

“I discerned that God was calling me to use all the experiences and gifts of my former ministry in this place. This place? Yes, right here where people at all stages of aging need comfort and support.” (p. 92)

Morgan’s “experiences and gifts” were as a chaplain and counselor. He began volunteering to provide pastoral care. The retirement home where he resides has a variety of levels, from independent living to assisted living to nursing care to a dementia unit. He had a particular passion for working with those who had dementia. He considers ministering to them a spiritual calling:

“I am sure that today Christ can be found in the haunting, blank faces of those souls who sit behind closed doors covered with the wounds of a terrible disease of the brain…. [A]s Christians we are to go outside the camp and minister to those who are ‘outside their minds.'” (p. 143)

Morgan describes a number of interactions in which those whose memory was deeply impaired still revealed their spirituality and humanity. With time, he noticed that residents in independent living tended to avoid those from the assisted living and memory care units. One of his main goals became breaking down the dividing wall between the different categories of residents. He came to recognize that the avoidance by those in independent living stemmed from fear; higher-functioning residents were evading thoughts about their own aging and what they might become. He eventually succeeded in connecting the groups, doing so mostly through music. He started a sing-along for the dementia residents using songs from the 1930s and 1940s. He discovered that some who seemed lost to dementia were able to sing the songs of their youth. Soon, independent living residents began to attend the sing-along. Music worked magic for them as well, helping them overcome their fears. Morgan describes the scene:

“We were at last the blessed community, where all are loved and accepted. Some bent to shake the hand or hug dementia residents who had formerly lived independently. Others sat next to dementia residents and helped them follow along with the words.” (p. 154)

Through serving residents of the retirement home, helping them become a healthy, loving community, Morgan found the life for which he was looking. Service was the means by which the “life to come” that he initially longed for became his reality. All of us who have lost or will lose the life that we’ve had can benefit from his story. We, too, can enter into a process of discernment, listening for our call. As with Morgan, that call will, likely as not, entail doing something for someone else. Reaching out to that person or group will not only help them; it is the pathway to the new life that is waiting for us.

Redstone Highlands, the Retirement Community Where Richard Morgan Lives.

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Relocating to a Retirement Community: “Settling In”

I recently read Richard Morgan’s 2006 book Settling In: My First Year in a Retirement Community. At age 74, Morgan, a retired Presbyterian minister, moved from Morgantown, North Carolina to a retirement community in Western Pennsylvania. He and his wife had been in Morgantown for 50 years and had expected to stay there the rest of their lives. Two factors prompted their move to another state: affordability and proximity to their daughter. Morgan had positive expectations when he made the move, and found much to like about their new community during the first few weeks. Still, it was a shock:

“In Morganton I was known and recognized as an author, historian, and volunteer–I was ‘somebody.’ Now I was ‘nobody,’ a stranger in a strange place. There I had so many friends; here we only knew two adults and two children, our children and grandchildren.”

After a month or so, Morgan had significant second thoughts:

“I began tormenting myself with such questions as, What have I done? Was it really the best time? Why didn’t we wait a few more years until our funds would allow us to live in a retirement community nearer our home? Why was I so impulsive?

Morgan missed his library, where he had spent countless hours reading and writing. He felt confined living in a unit much smaller than the house from which he and his wife had moved. He found other residents who regretted coming to the retirement community. One woman had stuffed animals arrayed on her windowsill, looking out. She said, “Those animals remind me how much I would love to be back in my home, and how I long to get out of here.” Not everyone had this view of their new living arrangements, though. Another resident also had stuffed animals on her window sill, but she had arranged them so they faced into the room. She said, “I love my animals. As they look at my apartment, they remind me of how fortunate I am to be here!”

Redstone Highlands, the Retirement Community Where Richard Morgan Lives.

Morgan was struck by the difference in these residents’ perspectives. He identified with the first woman, but wrote that “the peace and quiet acceptance of the other resident spoke to me.”  By the end of the book, his view of the community has become much like that of the second woman.

I’ll write in a later post about the change that Morgan underwent. For now, I want to note that, though I am younger than Morgan was when he wrote the book and I haven’t moved into a retirement community, I can identify with his sense of loss and displacement. I lived in the same city–also in North Carolina and only a little bigger than Morgantown–for over thirty years, then relocated to Michigan to help my parents. Though I returned to my home town, virtually all the friends from my youth had moved elsewhere. I missed the life I had in North Carolina–the work I did, the friends I had made, the church that had meant so much to me. I’ve made new friends, started working part-time, and gotten involved with church and community. Still, I don’t have as complete a life as I did before. Perhaps I never will, at least in this location.

I have no regrets about relocating. I was able to help my dad before his death in 2014 and still am providing assistance to my mother. Unlike Morgan, I don’t anticipate that where I’m living now is where I will stay the rest of my life. At some point, my mother will no longer need my help, and at that point I probably will move again. Though I could go back to North Carolina, I most want to live near one of my children. Thus, I’m not fully settled where I’m at though I’ve been here nearly five years. I’ve learned to live with that state of affairs. Life is a pilgrimage. That is to say, we are always on a journey to some place where blessing awaits us. That is true whether we stay in place physically or move constantly. My unsettled state has the virtue of making me more receptive to the journey. It cultivates in me a sense of wonder, an openness to possibilities, an expectation that the not-yet has something propitious in store. Though it can be a challenging way to live at times, it has its consolations, and for that I’m grateful.

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The Silver Lining While Waiting for Healing

I’ve had a difficult time of it recently. Though the surgery I had in February was successful, I was rehospitalized a couple weeks later with complications. Urine was leaking into my abdomen, causing severe pain. The doctors fitted me with medical equipment to drain the fluid and to prevent additional leaking, then sent me home, telling me I would just have to wait until my bladder and urethra healed. Because of the medical equipment I’ve been rather restricted in what I can do and am in constant discomfort.

I’ve always been encouraged to look for the silver lining when dark clouds roll in. I understand that adversity builds character. It also has spiritual benefits, causing those of us who believe in God to rely more on Him. So, have I seen any evidence of such benefits while I’ve been sidelined?

I definitely have, and the longer the waiting period goes on the more I become aware of how I’m being affected. I have noticed four benefits.

First, there’s gratitude. Whenever I’ve been tempted to feel sorry for myself, I’ve been reminded of what I still am able to do and to enjoy. I can enjoy my food, converse with friends, read, write, take short walks, and even drive short distances. And my prognosis is good. As I described in a previous post, my hospital roommate during my last stay had a terminal condition; contemplating his situation made me appreciate the relative insignificance of my problems. The relatively benign nature of my problems has been evident to me again and again over the past several weeks; almost every day, it seems, I’ve heard of someone with a more serious health condition than what I have. Plus, I have excellent medical care at a very reasonable cost. Given how good I have it, how can I complain?

Second, there’s patience. I recently read an article by Tobias Winright, who fell in a hotel bathroom in 2012, suffering a traumatic brain injury. He was confined to bed for a month, then had to take a semester off from his job as a professor. He indicates it took him three-and-a-half years–until he wrote the article–in order to heal. He was initially quite annoyed with the limitations imposed by his injury. He found, though, that patience “is essential to being a patient.” He quotes the early Christian leader Tertullian, who wrote that “patience is God’s nature,” so followers of Christ should likewise display patience. Winright suggests we need to be patient not only in response to our problems but also in our interactions with others. When complications developed, the hardships I was undergoing initially made me less patient with others. Over the course of the last few weeks, I think I’ve begun having more patient thoughts. Just as I have my limitations, so does everyone else, and I’m reminding myself of that more. I still find it hard to be patient when I’m in pain, though, so my patience, while growing, has not reached full blossom.

Next is humility. For decades, I’ve worked hard at taking care of my body. I’ve exercised four days a week, eaten plenty of fruits and vegetables, cut down on salt and sweets, and gotten enough sleep. I think I was somewhat proud that, for my age, I had very few health problems. I wasn’t as sympathetic as I might have been with those who hadn’t made quite the effort at self-care that I had and were having medical issues. I’ve always known that factors outside my control played a significant role in my health, but not until the past month has that message become salient. As a result, I’m becoming less likely to take credit for my health. I’m more humble, seeing physical well-being as influenced by what we do but even more as a gift from God, a blessing that we can’t earn.

Finally there’s hope. A couple weeks into my ordeal, I happened to listen to a sermon preached on January 8, 2017 by Andrew Sacks at St. Helen’s Bishopsgate in London. The passage on which the sermon was based was Romans 5:1-10, which includes the following:

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. (vss. 3-5, New Living Translation)

Andy suggested that two conditions are needed to inculcate hope. First, there must be difficulty or struggle in the present. Second, there must be an expectation of a positive future. This future expectation is in turn dependent on having faith that we are loved by God. Ever since I became a Christian almost 50 years ago, I’ve met the second condition. Only from time to time, though, did I have enough hardship in my life to meet the first. The last month has been one of those times. In response to my current afflictions, I’m looking forward not only to the time when my body will be healed but to the eschaton, the time when all things will be made new.

Gratitude, patience, humility, hope. What a remarkable harvest. My sufferings have certainly not been in vain. Thanks be for the silver lining traced around even the darkest of clouds!

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Getting Ready to Retire: Finding Yourself

Next Avenue recently published an article by Bart Astor, a writer specializing in life transitions, titled “When will you be ready to call it quits?” After talking to numerous retirees, Astor concluded that the following factors played into their decisions to leave the workforce:

  • a milestone such as a significant birthday or a work anniversary
  • dissatisfaction with the direction taken by the employer or profession; unwillingness to adapt to workplace changes
  • health concerns
  • a feeling that life is short

Certainly other factors– family needs, lack of passion in the work, or desire for change–can be important as well. I was interested in one factor that Astor added to those listed above: identity. He explained: “That is, when you no longer want, or need, to identify yourself as, say, a teacher, manager, director or writer — even if the job title carries some prestige.”

This giving up our identities can be quite a barrier to retirement. It’s not just a matter of losing status by giving up titles, perks, or authority (though for some of us that factors in). It’s the prospect of losing who we are, how we’ve defined ourselves through the years. That potential loss can be frightening. I recently had a conversation with another psychologist who recently turned 70 and is thinking of not renewing his license to practice when it next expires. Being able to think of himself as a licensed psychologist has been quite important to his self-concept and it’s hard for him to give that up. Here’s the interesting thing about him: he has been disabled for twenty years and hasn’t been practicing psychology for that long. At first he had hopes he would recover from his medical problems and be able to practice again, but he gave up on that dream about ten years ago. Despite being permanently sidelined, he’s repeatedly renewed his license to practice, just because it’s been too hard for him to give up that aspect of his identity.

My work identity is like a tent stake holding my sense of self in place. I am likely to resist pulling up that stake unless there is something else attaching me to the ground. What other ways can we be grounded when we transition to retirement? The answer is probably different for each of us. I would like to suggest that we think about this question by looking about our past, present, and future identities. Here are three questions to help with that process:

  • What aspects of my past identity still can serve a stabilizing function?

Our life stories are a rich source of insight into who we have been through the decades. What beliefs have I always returned to? What life goals have been a persistent source of direction? What have been my lifelong interests and passions? Reconnecting with these aspects of ourselves can ground us during times of change.

  • What aspects of my identity in the present can I rely on going forward?

We are all much more than our careers, and it’s useful to think of aspects of our present lives that transcend work. What relationships matter to me? What gives direction to the time I am away from the workplace? What or who do I put my faith in? What sustains me; what gives me the energy to go on in the face of difficulties? In all likelihood, all these things will still be with us after we retire.

  • What aspects of my future identity can ground me as I go through this transition?

We each have a future self–a person we imagine we will be one day. Some of us can picture that person clearly, while for others the image is quite blurred. It is useful to give some thought about who we envision being once the retirement transition is behind us. What will our days be like? Where will we spend our time, and with whom? What will give us satisfaction, what challenges will we face, what will be our source of hope? That future self has made the transition out of the workplace and has an identity no longer dependent on earning an income. Knowing that such a person awaits us gives us the courage to go in search of him or her. Best wishes as you explore your past, current, and future selves!

Traveler–a characteristic of my past, current, and (hopefully) future selves

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