I recently posted about being “old-old,” not just old but at an age where I’m not likely to have many more years of health and vitality. In that post, I described how my sense of history had changed. I’ve had other realizations, some of which came as a result of struggle.
I went through a period of malaise late last fall. I was lethargic and lacking in motivation. I found myself spending too much time reading mediocre online articles. The world around me seemed off somehow. I wasn’t sure what was wrong. I was somewhat bothered by the the US national election, but it seemed there was more going on with me than that. What was it?
I eventually concluded that the biggest reason that I didn’t feel much like doing anything is that I didn’t have to do anything. Life doesn’t require as much from me as it used to. As long as I can remember, I was being pushed by activities that either someone else required of me or were important to me: go to school and study, find a job, develop a career, raise kids, help my parents. I had a life in which my purpose was clear and I had something to motivate me, something to accomplish, each day. Now there’s not anything like that. I have a few things to do every day, and some days are busy, but often there’s nothing that demands my attention.
Many days, I don’t have a mental list of things I need to get done. Instead, I have periods of time when I’m wondering what I should do. I have six or seven clients a week, but that’s very much part-time work. Add in three meals a day plus laundry and grocery shopping, and there are still more holes in my schedule than full blocks of time.
Here’s some of what happens to the rest of my time:
- I do quite a few things of a religious nature. I start the day with the “Pray as You Go” app, do morning and evening liturgical prayer at the house where I live, attend church, lead a community group at the church I attend, study scripture, and go to a men’s Bible study. That’s a lot; maybe to the point of being unbalanced.
- I exercise nearly every day, whether by going to the gym, jogging in the neighborhood, biking when the weather’s nice, or doing floor exercises in the living room.
- I meet with friends or talk with them by phone or videoconferencing. When I moved to Wisconsin, I expected to make plenty local friends. It’s been harder to add them than I expected, but friends from elsewhere have continued to meet social needs.
- I read. The New Yorker always has excellent articles, and I have plenty of books I want to read. We have a book discussion group at the house, and I’ve been fortunate to participate in several Catherine Project online reading groups.
Even with all that, there is still some unscheduled time. I’ve decided to leave it that way. That is partly an effort to maintain my awareness that none of my time is really my own, it’s a gift from God. It’s also a way of allowing some uncluttered mental space for God to intrude however he wants. I’ve found that the intrusion often takes the form of someone expressing a need to me. Will you take me to the store? To look at an apartment? To the courthouse? I’m glad that at least some of the time I can say ‘yes.’ “My time is in your hands,” the psalmist remarked to God (Ps. 31:15). Those of us who are old-old can appreciate that sentiment more than ever.
Beyond Halfway 
T
I tried writing a response on my iPad and the best I could do was to send a “T”. Oh well, I should have more success on my laptop. I just wanted to say how much I appreciate your latest blog Being Old-Old: Time. It was refreshing and insightful. I appreciate hearing you as you share your thoughts and experiences. On a separate note, we received your Thank You card which was nicely written. We truly appreciated your visit and look forward to seeing you again. Thirty eight years between visits is too long, and because we are old-old that isn’t going to be possible.
Visiting friends like you is one of the best uses I can imagine for my time! Yes, we will have to have another visit before too much time passes.
I enjoyed reading your post. It’s got me thinking. Some of us, I suppose those who have carried a lot of responsibility for most of their lives, need to be needed. Or at least we feel most secure when we are needed. I feel over-needed at this stage of my life, so I can find myself dreaming of a time when I’m “free”. Your post reminds me that “free” doesn’t feel that way for very long – about the length of a vacation. Not for me, anyway.
Thank you for writing!
It seems to go from one pole to the other; too involved or not needed. The freedom that we think we want when we’re overburdened has its own challenges. Despite them, I don’t want to return to the over-burdened stage of life that it sounds like you’re still in. May you have wisdom and strength as you handle obligations.
Thanks for sharing this with me, Bob. It is remarkable that you decided to sit with your period of “malaise” and conclude that your unscheduled time was “God’s time” which allows you to be present to whatever it is that God places in front of you. As I have confessed to you before, I have re-created a life in which I have once more over-committed myself to too many organizations and people so that I don’t have enough “God time”. I am on a journey this year where I am saying “no” and ending my commitments to several projects. I actually said “no” to another opportunity to be on a committee of an organization I belong to several weeks ago! I am feeling really good about it!
Thanks for your kind words, Peter. Good to hear that you are both ending commitments and saying ‘no’ to new requests. I hope that this will be a year of better balance for you.
It’s hard to make and keep new friends in older age.
It certainly is! While younger people are interested in expanding their circle of friends, that doesn’t seem the case with most older people. Thanks for your comment, Alessandra.